psychedelicem

library.

2009-06-11T10:40:00.002+08:00

so there i was, really into my math. math math math math math. then i got told off for using my ipod in the library. then i got told off for wearing a non-blazer jacket thingy wth my uniform. and i'm officially out of my mathing zone.

as i sit here with my dilemma of "math or econs? math or econs?", i count my blessings. truth be told, from where i'm standing right now, from what i can see, i have more than enough to last me a lifetime. two lifetimes even. :D and i love this feeling.

maybe i should get on with some econs now. hmm.

as of 5.15pm today, no more AS! (:

PS : i miss my cat. yes, i have a cat.

the ticks that went by.

2009-06-07T23:03:00.002+08:00

there has been this incessant, unceasing, exasperating ringing in my head, not unlike a distant siren, reminding me that with each passing day, we move one step further from the 28th of february and one step closer to the 4th of july.

love. i knew so very little of it. i wanted it so badly. i thought i had it, that's when i decided i didn't want it anymore. then, he changed my mind. my heart was broken many a times, but i made the decision anyway; the decision that i had always hoped i could make. my regrets? none.

with each ticking of the clock, i move one step closer to 10 days of obs with eyes sore; with each ticking of the clock, i move one step closer to seeing you at heathrow.

"there's a new world somewhere
they call the promised land
and i'll be there some day
if you will hold my hand
i still need you there beside me
no matter what i do
for i know i'll never find another you"

update.

2009-02-19T17:50:00.003+08:00

1, 2, 3, 4. (:

i know this post is really short, but that's only cos "sweet things don't take long to say."

hell.

2008-12-29T00:04:00.000+08:00

doors slam. i die. end.

2008 no more.

2008-12-27T14:09:00.004+08:00

december 27th, 2008. just a few more days till the big '09. time to reflect.

the best and the worst happened to me this year.
'08 has definitely been eventful.

i was in NS for 3 bleeding months, having everything stripped away from me - mobile, internet, friends, family. on december 28th, 2007, i thought i was being admitted to 1/4 year of hell. i keep telling people about how much i hated it. sure it wasn't the most ideal of places to spend the first 3 months of my freedom after SPM, but i would be lying if i said i didn't have the least bit of fun when i was there, cos i did somehow. after the first 3 weeks of solid crying whilst lying down on my bed with nicholas sparks's the guardian sprawled on my face thinking bout what i had to leave behind, crying whilst talking to my father on the payphone at the canteen with foreign eyes upon me, crying whilst scrubbing dirt out of my clothes in the filthy moss filled toilet, i did somehow manage to let my guard down, shed some pride and make some friends. sure they were not the kind of people that i'd usually hang around. ashamed to have to say this, but they were the kind of people that i used to shun, yet they were the only ones that kept me going at the time. i promised to call them after it was all over, i promised to stay in touch. i even promised to promise. i feel like such a hypocrite now, a liar, a betrayer in so many ways. everytime i see their names on the caller ID of my mobile, i just watch and wait for the calls to go to voicemail. i dont even reply any of their texts. however, as i go through my contacts, deleting the ones i'd never have to use again, i find myself unable to delete the numbers i so very often dread to see appear on my mobile screen. guess i'm just wired weird that way. sigh.

got my spm results and the best thing happened. my scholarships happened. i got both petronas and bank negara. a normal person would be jumping with joy knowing that both organisations are ready to send her to the UK to study. but guess what i spent that one week doing? crying. bleh. sorry, i know my post has started out with a lot of tears. haha. thats just the story of my life. haha. but yes, i was crying and arguing with my dad a whole lot. he wanted me to go with bank negara, but i wanted petronas. and when i wanted bank negara, he wanted petronas. i dont expect anyone to understand this, but it was probably the toughest decision i ever had to make. i remember saying to myself, 'i'm not ready for this. why do i have to choose?' i'm fickle. i know. i just couldn't help it. still am. i'm happy though with my decision, because it led me down a path that gave me so much to be thankful for, things and people that i would never have met if i had decided otherwise.

then i spent 4 months bumming. chores. tv. internet. food. sleep. that's all i did before going into ktj on august 10th. guess somewhere in those 4 months, i became slightly retarded socially. haha. as i recall, jean and i were always alone, everywhere we went. we were the two lost souls sitting at the dinner table alone. two confident-only-on-the-surface girls walking through the hallways of school. we were miserable, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the 3rd week of term, thinking it was just a 2-week hell, but it wasn't really. it went on for a little longer than that. maybe it was cos i was new, maybe it was cos i wasn't used to boarding. but as time went by, smiles became less rare as laughter became more familiar. special people happened. we loved, we cried, we lived and we lied, but it was all good fun. i'm not exactly euphoric with the way things turned out this term, but like what a friend of mine always says, its the things that happened that made me who i am today. so i'm glad.

review of 2008? i have been happy.

PS : i'm very sorry if i've done or said anything that might've hurt you or caused you pain. i'm not one to break hearts, cos i've been much too used to getting mine broken instead.

favourite quote of the year?
"but to see her was to love her, love but her, and love forever" - robert burns.

happy new year everyone!

(:

2008-12-03T22:51:00.004+08:00

at this point in time, i can honestly say that things are going right. life is very near bliss, if not already. i have always seemed like the kinda person that loved her life to the very core. that was never really the case, not in the inside at least. but right now, i am sure that i am blessed; blessed with things though often taken for granted, make up the very reasons for living. my only wish is that this feeling doesn't go away as swiftly or as quickly as it came; my only wish is that it is here to stay.

the funny thing is, things tend to go up and down at the same times for zhi wei and i, but if things have to crumble for me, i hope that this pattern ends, just so he can remain as he is, on top of the freaking world. even though i haven't known him for long, i feel like i have. i don't stay in touch well with people, i hate texting people i don't see much, don't even get me started on how much i hate calling just to ask 'hey, so where are you studying now? what course? doing good?'. but after knowing zhi wei for a little over 3 months, i feel that he's going to be a friend for a long long time, a good one at that. i know that cos i would be half mental by now if it wasn't for him. (so thanks yarh, zhi wei! you're one of the only people who read my blog anyway.)

well, obviously zhi wei isn't the sole reason i feel blessed. before starting the term, someone told me that ktj is a special place. at first i thought it was, then things went shit and i thought it wasn't. i know, i know. how fickle of me. i think my disability to decide whether i liked the place was because of my lack of friends (special people) at the time, but yes, i am more than happy to say that i have met my special people. *(jean you dont really count-didnt meet you there. plus you're in a league of your own)*

that's bout it. happy post. if i die anytime soon, know that i love you.

PS : my DFFS, LEE ZHI WEI IS GOING TO LSE! beat that betches..

just.

2008-11-05T20:53:00.004+08:00

i've actually thought of not blogging anymore. but scratch that, i guess i'll just keep this blog for shiz.

so anyways, new post.

ever since coming to ktj, i've developed a new hobby (sorta), which is blog-hopping. and right now, everyone, well almost everyone i know who owns a blog, seems to be emotionally worked up right now, over what you might ask. well, over what else but love.

sure, like most people, i've had some bumps along the way, never been in a relationship, but i still want to believe that i will fall in love someday; madly, hopelessly, irrevocably and indefinitely in love with someone that loves me back the same. i've never had that feeling of wanting to wake up just so i could see that other person's face, to hear his voice, to feel his touch. i used to long for those things, cos i thought that was what it took for one to be happy, but after what i've seen happen in the past couple of months, i start to wonder if all this is worth it. if it's worth all the pain of having your heart broken time and time again. this, spawns a question : why does our heart really feels like it been broken when we get hurt emotionally?

a friend and i came up with a theory that some people just have more luck, that we're not equal at all. that the people with more luck, will have love find them, as oppose to them having to find love instead. but as i sit here, staring at these bleeding econs essays, then at the walls in my puny room, i realise that it's not love that some of us luckless people lack, it's relationships often built on mere infatuation or physical attraction. i look around me, and guess what? shitloads of relationships are exactly that. last week, i believed that love was only meant for those with luck. but right now, at this very moment, it seems to me that, all of us are just as unfortunate when it comes to finding true love (by true love i dont mean The One for there is no One, just bonafide love.). i will find that love one day. i'll bloody well make sure of it.

so that's it. now, i'm gonna continue with my econs and impatiently await the day term break starts, then i can start living again.

my yin yang day.

2008-09-30T22:11:00.004+08:00

first of all, hello to whoever reads my blog.

today was one of those 50-50 yin yang days - half bad, half good.

Chap1.

it started off with me thinking that the cinema was closed today, with good reason. i called and they said it was closed. long story short, my family and i still decided to go anyway. this was when i realized that this particular mall (DATARAN freaking PAHLAWAN), has to be the most atrociously structured and architectured building in the entire universe. imagine 6 floors of shops and whatnot, but only ONE elevator. if that's not bad enough, the escalators are all, for some reason, those supermarket 30 degree inclined type escalators, and they're all on the left side of the flipping building. as you would've gathered by now, it takes forever to get to the 6th floor (where GSC is at). on a normal day, it would take a normal person a little bit of swearing and a whole lot of patience to get up to the cinema in one piece. today, however, would have taken that same person unsurmountable patience and stamina to even get to the 3rd floor. yes. my family and i had to take a thousand flights of stairs just cos some idiotic simpleton decided to set off the fire alarm which caused unnecessary mayhem and everything to stop functioning properly. that chapter of my day ended really nicely because Mamma Mia! was really entertaining and lived up to my expectations (certain scenes were slightly bollywood-esque, but who cares).

Chap2.
was walking around the streets of old town melaka, in search of galleries and basically anything that was aesthetically provocative. took some photos, sketched a little here and there, gratified. then i saw "Jehan Chan Gallery", so i thought, 'cool, maybe i can write about him in my report.' as i walked into the gallery, i saw this lady emerge from the back of the house. i thought nothing of it and started looking around at the artwork mounted on the walls. then i heard from the back of my head "you want buy painting or just looking?"

me : just looking. its for an art project.
her : ok. no photo. no interview.
me : um, okay. *still looking*
her : *TSK* nah girl, you take this biography paper (she meant brochure) and you can go now.

appalled was all i was. frankly, i dont give a rats ass if your dad (i later found out she's the daughter of the artist) is a relatively well known artist in malaysia. just cos every family (exc mine) has got a print of your dad's "limited edition" carps painting mounted on their damn living room wall, does not give you the bleeding right to treat anyone with such a disgustingly dismissive attitude. oh well, i did, after all, chuck the brochure in the bin at the gallery and walked out after saying 'thank you' with as much poise and grace as i could possibly conjure at the time. i then walked across the street to this other gallery where i spent the next 1.5 hours (as oppose to the 5 secs i was allowed to stand at the door of jehan chan's gallery) talking to the artist (tham siew inn) who is absolutely brilliant. im not gonna bore you with the intricate details of our conversation, but he did inspire me and actually made me think twice about being an economist (instead of an artist)! yes, i do enjoy making ugly things look pretty; and yes, i do wanna travel the world alone and meet all kinds of arty people; but i just can't do that, not right now. there's one thing i know i'll do though, that is die in paris as a painter when i'm old and wrinkly. (:

(above) overrated and oversold carps.
my favourite of all the paintings i saw today.

so that was my day as a whole. not the most exciting, but it was good, all in all.

till next time. au revoir!

first.

2008-09-20T15:53:00.001+08:00

i've often wondered why people are always so emo on blogs. i guess i'm starting to know why. god knows where my old blog went, and if memory serves well, i hope i never see it again. so here goes nothing. oh, just so you know. i'm not doing that i-woke-up-at-8am-brushed-my-teeth-put-on-my-uniform kinda thing, and i probably won't be blogging as often as most bloggers do.

DRAINED.

drained. that's the only word i can think of to describe what i was feeling for the most part of last night. after the peer counselling meeting, after talking to a couple of friends about our lives and the problems that our lives revolve around, i was brought back into the room where i spent most of my time in when i was 15. this room had nothing, for i had nothing at the time. or at least it felt like i had nothing. that's the ironic thing you see. those conundrums, those problems, those worries that used to take up every inch of my brain, they no longer exist, or should i say that at least they're buried (for now), i think.

so i sat there in that room i had so much hatred for, staring at blank walls in the dark, walls that had no windows in them, nor doors, hence the absence of light, just thinking about questions we all ask for which answers we are always unable to provide. one of them was something i read off a friend, although i think it might have been meant in totally different context. why do people always settle for living in content? i for one, am a victim of that. just like most people, i am a daughter of filial obedience, i try to be the best sister, the best friend, the best student that i could possibly be; i study, i don't go out that often, i have good relationships with both my parents, i do what i'm supposed to. i do these things because i know that they will make others happy, make them feel better when they're around me, but are these things really what i've always wanted in life?

if there's one thing i have learnt about myself in the past couple of years is that i do not have the guts to say "no". time after time, my "yes"'s have been said sometimes with the utmost candor, but other times with burdening disinclination. there have been too many fake smiles plastered on my face, fake laughs at appropriate timings just to show that i belong, that i wasn't some sort of outcast weirdo. then i start to think about all the friends that i have made throughout the years, how many of them have i kept? how many of them have i forgotten about, both intentionally and otherwise? how many of them have i lost? and last but not least, how many real ones do i have left? so i carefully do the calculations in my head, but end up giving up because i know that no matter how long i spend trying to remember names and faces, the final number will never ever amount to a 10.

it saddens me most when i think about the ones that i have lost. terence hanbury white once said, "perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return." those words could not be any clearer to me than they are now in this moment of vulnerability. have you ever heard a phrase or a sentence or just a few mere words spoken as if it was only meant for your ears alone and no other? that quote speaks to me every single time i think about the people that i have loved, but are no longer by my side. and no, i'm not talking about lawless boyfriend-girlfriend love, for i have never had a boyfriend nor have i experienced love of that sort, partly because i never felt like i needed one, also partly because i tend to fall for those who end up as my best friends instead, which is not a bad thing.

as i sat there in that room, in my room, pondering, i realised that the root of all the problems that i have or have had is love. i also realised that every single time something good happens, something else that is good will start to deteriorate. maybe this happens just so my emotions could be balanced out, never too happy, never too sad; but why does it always have to fall into this exact routine pattern?

"the best thing for being sad," replied merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. that's the only thing that never fails. you may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. there is only one thing for it then - to learn. learn why the world wags and what wags it. that is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. learning is the only thing for you. look what a lot of things there are to learn." - T.H. White